I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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