At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
