Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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