i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
