I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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