Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
