I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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