i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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