guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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