He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize