how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
