Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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