I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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