I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
