Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
