Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
you would pick up someone in the library
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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