Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize