my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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