I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
