Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
