I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
