What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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