You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize