i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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