Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
