Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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