if only i could text you this smell
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
