Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
