the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
