Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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