yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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