im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
