Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
