Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
