Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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