you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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