last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
