we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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