I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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