I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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