i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
