I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
