Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
