im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
