I am spending my child support on dildos
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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