I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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