i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
