the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
