We won't sleep together?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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