At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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