So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
