at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
