sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
