I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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