Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
