come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
