I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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