I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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