I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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